Early Morning Musings

My son woke up at 5 am this morning.

He has been potty trained since shortly after his 2nd birthday in May, but has only just recently begun sleeping without a pull up on. Needless to say we had an accident and he didn't feel the need to go back to sleep.

For a few precious minutes though, he was quiet, and I found myself in that ethereal place where no one else is awake and all is quiet.

It's peaceful in a way that I don't often find anymore since I had my son. I can't help feeling that even the rare moments of quiet are fleeting, now that baby number two is on it's way. I reveled in it this morning; wrapped it around myself and just breathed.

I'm so blessed. I have a wonderful husband and was gifted my incredible son; even if he does wake up before the sun. I now am pregnant with another child, granted one that I had to work a little harder for, but I thank God everyday that he gave me another child to grow and nurture and love.

Don't get me wrong, I have these thoughts when it's chaotic and noisy; when I'm irritated or lonely. It's just easier to hear them at that perfect moment in the dark, just laying next to my husband listening to him breathe; it's magic.

My third and final beta came back yesterday at 675, almost triple what it was on Wednesday. I have my first ultrasound at just about 6 weeks on Friday the 11th! I can't wait to see my little miracle for the first time!

I finally feel like I can breathe, like I can stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm pregnant. I've waited so long to say those words again! I know that I haven't waited as long as some but 2 years is a lifetime to me!

Nausea is starting to kick in, the cramping has been completely gone for about 5 days now and I feel good. I feel pregnant.

This post seems a little scattered, and for that I apologize. I've been musing a lot the last week on how wonderful my life is and how lucky I am to be living it. Makes me sappy I suppose.

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come from getting something we don't have, but rather recognizing and appreciating what we do have." Frederick Keonig

The Results Are In

It looks like I'm really pregnant. I know that it sounds silly but a huge part of me, the part of me that has been struggling with infertility over the last 2 years, just cannot seem to grasp that we actually did it.

My first beta came back at 104 for the HCG and 25.7 for the progesterone. I was put on 400mg of prometrium on Monday and went in today for my second beta, it came back at 279 for the HCG...so it more than doubled!

I'm beginning to feel pregnant. I'm beginning to feel like this is real, that it's happening and that I can begin to relax a little. The problem is I know too much. When I was TTC to get pregnant with Cian I knew NOTHING, and I repeat nothing, about making babies beyond having sex all the time. It took 6 months to get pregnant with him; it felt like an eternity. Little did I know huh? I also didn't have to do any kind of blood work, or take prometrium with Cian. All of this extra cautiousness makes me nervous. I know too many deserving women who have miscarried for no known reason. I know all the horrible things that can be seen on the first U/S. Like a blighted ovum, or no yolk sac, or no neural column.

I thought that getting the positive would be the end of all the pain and strife, now that I'm finally pregnant all I feel is terrified. Terrified that I will lose this baby that I want so badly, worked so hard for.

I'm convincing myself every time that I have a thought like that that I'm being ridiculous and physically calm myself down. I deserve this. I want this. I'm doing all the things I can to ensure a happy and healthy pregnancy. It's sort of becoming a mantra.

I feel good. I feel happy. I, finally, feel pregnant.

I have to admit to a little bit of infertile guilt however. Those of you who have become pregnant and had to watch fellow infertile friends continue their heartbreaking journey know what I'm talking about. I'm so happy for myself, but I feel guilty that I got lucky and that others I KNOW are wonderful, deserving women...didn't.

I don't want to hurt any one's feelings, make anyone feel bad by talking about my pregnancy. It's a hard line to walk when the people in your life are still in so much pain and you're the only one to have gotten the balm thus far. I know that my journey was not a long as some, and that I didn't have to go through near as much as many women, and for that I am eternally grateful; but it was journey through infertility. I STILL understand and I still hurt with them and for them. I still hope and dream and want to look at pee sticks and OPKs and talk about what a witch AF is. So please, the fellow infertiles in my life, you helped me get through the most painful, frustrating and awful period in my life; let me do the same for you.

I want to end this post on a good note. I'm ecstatic and elated and feel like I'm on cloud nine. I know that everyone around me has been rooting for me and supporting me and I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, Thank You.

PS- I threw up in Walmart. Yes, I'm that pregnant woman. I did, however, make it to the bathroom. Just thought a little peak into the mortifying moment I had yesterday would bring a smile. I figured it was OK though, because most of the people at Walmart smell like vomit anyway, granted from stale bud light and too many cigarettes but hey....vomiting is the great equalizer isn't it??

The Most Beautiful Word in the English Language:

I really have nothing of depth to say right now. I am beyond distracted and so uber excited that I've exhausted myself. I just wanted to post this because I love looking at the damn thing so much!

A little background, I used to buy the "digis" all the time. Of course, all I got were negatives on them. Instead of one line mocking me from the snow white panel however it was a mean, horrible, nasty "not pregnant." Ugh. It was like taking a bullet. So I stopped buying them and swore I would only use one after a positive blood test. Well, 3 FRER and 3 EPTs later.......

Ahhhh!!! I just love it!! Anyhow, I go in for my first beta tomorrow and I gotta say that I'm actually feeling pretty damn confident at this point.

Thanks for reading, and now this blog will be about a Mad, Horomonally Crazed Pregnant Woman.

Thank God for unexpected miracles.

We Did It!

We did it we did it!! I sing and dance to the Dora version of that song. (Anyone who's ever watched TV with a toddler knows the one I'm talking about.)

Anyhow, as the title implies we did it!! We got pregnant! I just found out a mere few hours ago. I still can't believe it. I think it will be more real on Monday when I go in for my first beta. I'm now so scared that I will lose it like so many wonderful, good women did/do. I know that I shouldn't worry about it too much, but I know too much. All the things that can go wrong. I know too many deserving women who have experienced losses. I will remain cheerful though!

Not a long post. I really don't know what to say except FINALLY.

I want to say something to all my fellow infertiles out there: I know that some of you are still suffering very recent personal tragedies, to those of you please know that I do not gloat, or mean to condecend. I love you still and feel your pain as if it were my own. I pray and hope and dream right there with you. I know that my news is bittersweet; and because I've been there too I'm gonna say this: Be mad. Be hurt. Be happy for me, then get up and try again because it it your turn next!

Here is a pic of the most beautiful plus sign I've ever seen:

Updates and Heartbreaks

Well, needless to say, I'm not pregnant. I'm on cd 4 actually. I haven't posted because I've been wallowing in my barrenness. Sometimes you just need to feel it, every heart-wrenching moment to move forward. Which is what we are doing. We are on our first officially break since starting to try two years ago. After 10 straight months of fertility treatments, drugs, HPTs, OPKs and ultrasounds my life kind of feels pleasantly empty.

We have decided to go ahead with IUI in February. Since I only produced 1 egg on the mega dose of clomid, we would have been adding follistim on top of the clomid, and trigger so it made sense to have the added benefit of the insemination as well. I'm actually starting to get excited.

The hubby and I had a major, major fight about a week ago. We actually considered the D word. A big part, although not all, is the infertility. He felt unheard and pushed aside; like all of my focus and drive was based on getting pregnant. He was right. I of course did not come to this conclusion w/o first getting super angry, and then hurt, and eventually compliant. I didn't take a break for me, I did it for my husband. I am beginning to realize, however, that I needed it more than he did.

For the first time in almost a year I truly feel relaxed, I am embracing the "if it happens it happens" attitude this month. Now, don't get me wrong I can't wait to do IUI next month, but I'm much more content than I thought  I would be. I imagined the days creeping by, every one an experiment in mental torture...but they're not.

I was totally devastated this last cycle, finding out it didn't happen. Again. I really though that increasing the clomid and using the HCG trigger was gonna be the magic cocktail that did the trick. I was truly surprised when it wasn't. I cried a lot this time. I railed and screamed at God, my husband, my mother and my body. My family embraced me and held me in warmth and love, my body and God remained cold and distant.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that Cian may be my only child. Is it fair? No. Is it what we had planned? No. Is my life lacking because I don't have another child? Yes, a little. Is it my fault my body won't work properly? No. Am I incredibly lucky to have a husband that loves me and a beautiful son? Yes, a thousand times yes! With how nice and mellow this cycle has been, I'm starting to look forward to the end of fertility treatments, whether that be with a positive test, or just realizing that enough is enough.

My brother and sister-in-law were also in a tragic car accident on Sunday night. Driving home from work they were hit head on by a drunk driver! Both sustained injuries, my sister was kept in the hospital for almost two days due to a broken sternum, broken rib, broken finger, a laceration/contusion on her knee and multiple bruising. My poor brother fared a little better with a broken wrist, and multiple contusions and bruising. It is truly a miracle that they are alive and it's due to wearing their seat belts. Had they not been they would both be dead. They are not only beloved family to me but wonderful parents to my 3 year old niece Isis. I just wanted to take a moment to recognize the miracle that is their lives and thank God for holding them in his hands and keeping them safe. If that was my family's one miracle for the year I would gladly take that over getting pregnant! I love you guys and am so glad that you are OK! Heal quickly and as painlessly as possible!

Just for some perspective this is their car!

On the a happy note....we are getting a new puppy! We currently own a wonderful, sweet, loving 5 year old Saint Bernard named Ares. We are getting another little boy Saint Bernard who is eight weeks old on Thursday! The puppy definitely helps with the baby fever, no doubt. My mother and grandmother received a little girl they named Athena for Christmas this year, and both Cian and Ares adore her and her big brother Hercules (yes we have a Greek name theme going on, my Aunt, who has 3 and started this trend named hers Aphrodite, Apollo, and Achilles). So, it was only natural that we get a puppy too. For the boy of course. *wink wink* We plan to name him Adonis and are so excited!

                                            Here he is!!!
I promise to write more often, I am done wallowing in my own despair. The wound is beginning to close and even though it still hurts, it's not as painful as it used to be. We are moving forward with a new treatment plan, a new puppy and happier times to be had.
Happy Belated New Year!

The Waiting Game

I did something stupid. Something not totally unforgivable in the world of TTC but stupid nonetheless. I tested before I was supposed to; this means I tested before the trigger was completly out of my system. This means I got a positive HPT but it's not real. This means I am now driving not only myself but my entire family/support system totally batty!!

I did test again this morning with FMU after having a complete BFN yesterday....there was a very,very,very faint line. I'm only 10dpt9dpo so it's still really early. I feel like I'm pregnant. Which is weird because I don't have any of the symptoms that I normally associate with being pregnant. I just have a "feeling."

Christmas was good, my darling baby boy was totally, undeniably spoiled!! Santa brought him an entire train table (which took Santa and Mrs. Santa 4 hours to put together):

He got myriad toys as well, Stinky the talking garbage truck, a skateboard a guitar....the list goes on and on. He was a good boy all year so he deserves it :)

I made out pretty good too, my DH got me a Coach bag; a luxury that I no longer indulge in seeing as I have a child that needs more important things than truly lucious handbags. I also received a Keurig coffee maker....this was one of my biggies and I'm so excited! I have, unfortunatley, been drinking like 4 or 5 cups of coffee a day (a big leap from my normal 2) but there are so many flavors to try and it's so much fun! I also got a Nookcolor!! This was my number one request this year! I am an avid reader. I read anythign and everything....truly. I have right now, this is after amny trips to the used bookstore to trafe some in, at least 500 books in my house. I've read them all. Needless to say this Nook will save up valuable floor space!

In an effort to stay busy and not obsess too much, now that the holidays are over I'm beginning to concentrate on the home decor/remodels we plan on doing in the new year. First up: new appliances! I'm uber excited and an local store is offering a fantastic deal on a 4 piece stainless steel set. After that the kitchen will be done. besides some minor kitchy details. Next up is the bathrooms, we are replacing the floors, painting, doing Cian's in a frog theme (totally cute, I will post pics when done) and framing out my master bath mirror....the list is endless but I really enjoy doing it.

So, we have passed by our second year TTC, about to enter a new one and I don't know if I'm pregnant. It's so hard. It's a constant thought. I'm hoping tomorrow now that I know the trigger is gone that I get a line at 10dpo and we move forward from there. It almost seems like it's a dream not worht thinking about because it never happens.

I will keep all of you posted. Any phone calls and emails to distract me would be much appreciated! In the meantime I will continue to enjoy playing with Cian and all his new toys, spending time with my DH and reading my nook! Happy Belated Holidays blogosphere!

To Be or Not To Be.....Pregnant

I'm pretty sure that Hamlet was in fact not lamenting his inability to conceive but that quote seems to fill my days this TWW. I haven't done any OPKs or charting, no marathon babydance episodes...I feel oddly at peace for the first time in a long time.

My darling hubby and I are getting along better than ever, although he did have a minor setback with the sheriff's dept application. A former employer who unfortunately still employs an old "frenemy" of my husband's, told bald faced, terrible lies to the detective doing the background check. My husband stopped doing some of the more unsavory things that the owner and the other employees were doing and then proceeded to get a new job working for "the man." Needless to say said "frenemies" were none too happy and have been bitter and resentful ever since. Fingers crossed that all the tests he passed with flying colors and good references and hard work he's done to get this job will overshadow those jackasses!

Moving on.

Christmas is coming up shortly and as excited as I am for it, I'm so much more excited for the beginning of January!! We will find out if this cycle was a success then. I have to say I feel pregnant but I also received an HCG trigger so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it! *wink*

I leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Hamlet. As I said earlier I feel a certain affinity for the play this month. Maybe it's the darkness and melancholy, maybe it's theme of never ending hope...that it will all work out. Shakespeare is up for interpretation so enjoy!

"All that lives must die,
Passing through nature to eternity." ~ Hamlet