Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Results Are In

It looks like I'm really pregnant. I know that it sounds silly but a huge part of me, the part of me that has been struggling with infertility over the last 2 years, just cannot seem to grasp that we actually did it.

My first beta came back at 104 for the HCG and 25.7 for the progesterone. I was put on 400mg of prometrium on Monday and went in today for my second beta, it came back at 279 for the it more than doubled!

I'm beginning to feel pregnant. I'm beginning to feel like this is real, that it's happening and that I can begin to relax a little. The problem is I know too much. When I was TTC to get pregnant with Cian I knew NOTHING, and I repeat nothing, about making babies beyond having sex all the time. It took 6 months to get pregnant with him; it felt like an eternity. Little did I know huh? I also didn't have to do any kind of blood work, or take prometrium with Cian. All of this extra cautiousness makes me nervous. I know too many deserving women who have miscarried for no known reason. I know all the horrible things that can be seen on the first U/S. Like a blighted ovum, or no yolk sac, or no neural column.

I thought that getting the positive would be the end of all the pain and strife, now that I'm finally pregnant all I feel is terrified. Terrified that I will lose this baby that I want so badly, worked so hard for.

I'm convincing myself every time that I have a thought like that that I'm being ridiculous and physically calm myself down. I deserve this. I want this. I'm doing all the things I can to ensure a happy and healthy pregnancy. It's sort of becoming a mantra.

I feel good. I feel happy. I, finally, feel pregnant.

I have to admit to a little bit of infertile guilt however. Those of you who have become pregnant and had to watch fellow infertile friends continue their heartbreaking journey know what I'm talking about. I'm so happy for myself, but I feel guilty that I got lucky and that others I KNOW are wonderful, deserving women...didn't.

I don't want to hurt any one's feelings, make anyone feel bad by talking about my pregnancy. It's a hard line to walk when the people in your life are still in so much pain and you're the only one to have gotten the balm thus far. I know that my journey was not a long as some, and that I didn't have to go through near as much as many women, and for that I am eternally grateful; but it was journey through infertility. I STILL understand and I still hurt with them and for them. I still hope and dream and want to look at pee sticks and OPKs and talk about what a witch AF is. So please, the fellow infertiles in my life, you helped me get through the most painful, frustrating and awful period in my life; let me do the same for you.

I want to end this post on a good note. I'm ecstatic and elated and feel like I'm on cloud nine. I know that everyone around me has been rooting for me and supporting me and I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, Thank You.

PS- I threw up in Walmart. Yes, I'm that pregnant woman. I did, however, make it to the bathroom. Just thought a little peak into the mortifying moment I had yesterday would bring a smile. I figured it was OK though, because most of the people at Walmart smell like vomit anyway, granted from stale bud light and too many cigarettes but hey....vomiting is the great equalizer isn't it??

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