Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Waiting Game

I did something stupid. Something not totally unforgivable in the world of TTC but stupid nonetheless. I tested before I was supposed to; this means I tested before the trigger was completly out of my system. This means I got a positive HPT but it's not real. This means I am now driving not only myself but my entire family/support system totally batty!!

I did test again this morning with FMU after having a complete BFN yesterday....there was a very,very,very faint line. I'm only 10dpt9dpo so it's still really early. I feel like I'm pregnant. Which is weird because I don't have any of the symptoms that I normally associate with being pregnant. I just have a "feeling."

Christmas was good, my darling baby boy was totally, undeniably spoiled!! Santa brought him an entire train table (which took Santa and Mrs. Santa 4 hours to put together):
He got myriad toys as well, Stinky the talking garbage truck, a skateboard a guitar....the list goes on and on. He was a good boy all year so he deserves it :)

I made out pretty good too, my DH got me a Coach bag; a luxury that I no longer indulge in seeing as I have a child that needs more important things than truly lucious handbags. I also received a Keurig coffee maker....this was one of my biggies and I'm so excited! I have, unfortunatley, been drinking like 4 or 5 cups of coffee a day (a big leap from my normal 2) but there are so many flavors to try and it's so much fun! I also got a Nookcolor!! This was my number one request this year! I am an avid reader. I read anythign and everything....truly. I have right now, this is after amny trips to the used bookstore to trafe some in, at least 500 books in my house. I've read them all. Needless to say this Nook will save up valuable floor space!

In an effort to stay busy and not obsess too much, now that the holidays are over I'm beginning to concentrate on the home decor/remodels we plan on doing in the new year. First up: new appliances! I'm uber excited and an local store is offering a fantastic deal on a 4 piece stainless steel set. After that the kitchen will be done. besides some minor kitchy details. Next up is the bathrooms, we are replacing the floors, painting, doing Cian's in a frog theme (totally cute, I will post pics when done) and framing out my master bath mirror....the list is endless but I really enjoy doing it.

So, we have passed by our second year TTC, about to enter a new one and I don't know if I'm pregnant. It's so hard. It's a constant thought. I'm hoping tomorrow now that I know the trigger is gone that I get a line at 10dpo and we move forward from there. It almost seems like it's a dream not worht thinking about because it never happens.

I will keep all of you posted. Any phone calls and emails to distract me would be much appreciated! In the meantime I will continue to enjoy playing with Cian and all his new toys, spending time with my DH and reading my nook! Happy Belated Holidays blogosphere!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

To Be or Not To Be.....Pregnant

I'm pretty sure that Hamlet was in fact not lamenting his inability to conceive but that quote seems to fill my days this TWW. I haven't done any OPKs or charting, no marathon babydance episodes...I feel oddly at peace for the first time in a long time.

My darling hubby and I are getting along better than ever, although he did have a minor setback with the sheriff's dept application. A former employer who unfortunately still employs an old "frenemy" of my husband's, told bald faced, terrible lies to the detective doing the background check. My husband stopped doing some of the more unsavory things that the owner and the other employees were doing and then proceeded to get a new job working for "the man." Needless to say said "frenemies" were none too happy and have been bitter and resentful ever since. Fingers crossed that all the tests he passed with flying colors and good references and hard work he's done to get this job will overshadow those jackasses!

Moving on.

Christmas is coming up shortly and as excited as I am for it, I'm so much more excited for the beginning of January!! We will find out if this cycle was a success then. I have to say I feel pregnant but I also received an HCG trigger so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it! *wink*

I leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Hamlet. As I said earlier I feel a certain affinity for the play this month. Maybe it's the darkness and melancholy, maybe it's theme of never ending hope...that it will all work out. Shakespeare is up for interpretation so enjoy!

"All that lives must die,
Passing through nature to eternity." ~ Hamlet

Thursday, December 16, 2010

PCOS: When Life Kicks You Straight in The Ovaries

I am in incredible pain. It's unbelievable actually; one little follicle could cause so much discomfort. I took the max dose of Clomid this round and produced one follie, maybe two and it feels like my abdomen is about to explode....I almost imagine it like a ripe pomegranate (minus the overflow of "seeds" obviously that's the damn problem).

I take solace in the fact that the pain is a good thing. A non to subtle reminder that even if it is only one follie I did produce one and it is happily growing; if the excruciating twinges and stabbing pains are to be believed anyhow.

I picked a fight with my DH this morning. I didn't consciously do it but I know that it had nothing to do with what I was yelling at him about. It's go time; and I'm scared. Soon the trigger will happen, the one shot of timed intercourse and then the waiting. After all the prep work, the shots, the pills, the pain the awkward sex my defunct body is supposed to take over and create life. I don't know that it will do it.

I hate that time period known as the Two Week Wait. For those of you who don't know the TWW is a period of time that was created to torment and foment insanity in any woman trying to conceive for longer than four months. It's that horrible, soul wringing time between ovulation and the dreaded onset of the Witch.

At this point in the cycle there is nothing more I can do but pray and hope. I hate it. I HATE IT! I;m not even there yet and I can't help but get flustered and upset; I begin to doubt and feel that ever present monster that is pessimism and cynicism begin to claw up my back and hook deep into the darkest part of my brain. There it sits and maniacally laughs as its prods and pokes my tender psyche.

I know that if I don't conceive this cycle that I will go into the next round guns blazing, follistim, clomid and HCG. I can't help but feel a little downtrodden and sad however. I'm sick of trying, I'm tired of being disappointed and crying. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of looking at my DH and feeling mad or ashamed that I'm not "woman enough" for him.

These thoughts are as ridiculous as they are invasive. My family and friends are much more optimistic at this point and are telling me to follow suite. I'm trying. Maybe getting this out in the blogosphere where my only followers are fellow TTCers will help. Knowing that I'm not alone, I'm not crazy and that it's OK to feel this way.

I battle this insidious monster daily, some days I win, albeit a little bruised and bloodied, others I fall victim to it. Torn and broken. Alone. Scared.

I've been told that vulnerability is what creates intimacy. With family, friends, lovers. I have  hard time being vulnerable. I don't like trusting others with my heart. Especially when it is as sore and sad as it is right now. Recently I haven't been able to hide it, my perfectionist persona is cracking; my humanity and insanity breaking through.

I'm scared. It's terrifying to think that I would fail again.

I have put the proverbial pen to paper tonite, I'm letting all of this go. Immortalized for posterity and progeny alike on the blog that no one but me reads.

The ancient Greeks used to go to plays like Antigone and Oedipus Rex as cathartic enterprises. They believed that by watching the most heinous parts of humanity played out onstage they subconsciously lived it and therefore purged themselves of it.

I will not live my life as a Shakespearean tragedy any longer. I will leave the dramatics to the movies and purge myself of the creeper like thoughts that wind themselves around me so silently.

One chance. One egg. One sperm.

Bring it on, I'm ready.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Fa La La La Follie Check

Well, today was was the day. The day thatt I awoke to rush to the RE's office to see for the first time my plethora of wonderful, fat, maturing follicles. So I thought anyway.

I was slightly disappointed to go in today and find out that I have one antral follicle on the right ovary which is currently 33mm. I have one smaller one on the left ovary at 21mm but the RE doesn't think that one will "catch up" to the other.

150mg of Clomid and I managed to produce 1 follicle. Ugh.

We do have a tentative trigger date, this Saturday December 18th. The ironic and maybe portentous part is that I would actually ovulate and possibly conceive on my brother's birthday, which is December 19th. Fate maybe??

I am happy to report that my husband and I seemed to have turned over a new marital leaf. Our love life is much improved (due in part to a far less demanding intercourse schedule teehee) and he is so much more supportive and into this cycle than any in recent memory. We have also discussed a new way to budget and grocery shop that we are hoping will allow for a little more leeway monetarily speaking.

All in all it's been a good week. No major fights or blowouts. No illness. My son is his usual rambunctious 2 year old self.

I try to remind myself that this cycle is different. We are being monitored, we are getting the trigger, doing timed intercourse. It is a lot more of a controlled, precise cycle.

I just have to have faith. This is a month of miracles, whether it be a divine birth, a light burning longer than anyone expected or a time when the entire world is at peace for one night. Maybe this will be the month for my miracle.

Hope is a fragile, hollow thing. It takes flight on gossamer wings and floats away just out of sight; but it is always there. Lurking, watching, making you try just one more time.

"By seeing the seed of failure in every success we remain humble. By seeing the seed of success in every failure we remain hopeful."

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Birthday Wishes and Baby Kisses

Today is my mother's birthday! Being the good daughter that I am I will not divulge of her actual age. She looks wonderful we'll leave it at that!

I want to start this post by saying: Happy Birthday Mommy!! I hope you have a wwonderful, happy day and I cannot wait to celebrate with you later (and not just because you got a truly delicious looking cookies and cream cake....although I won't lie that helps)! I wouldn't know what to do without you; you are my hero, my best friend and confidant and I can't imagine a better mother than you! I love you! <3 <3 <3

So......on Wednesday we have our first follie check at cd 12. I took the 150mg of clomid this cycle and I have to say, I don't know if it was because I am making a conscious effort not to be a raging clomid-bitch but this cycle hasn't been bad at all. Don't get me wrong the hotflashes and headaches make me want to move to Alaska and join Sarah freaking Palin in a snowstorm to cool off but that's about it. No crazy mood swings, no monster arguments.

We seem to feel totally relaxed this time. I haven't taken any OPKs or my temperature; we are not allowed any "babydancing" after the 13th but we have actual made love a couple of times because we *gasp* wanted to. It was fantastic.

I do feel a little stressed about the follie check; I recently had a dear, sweet friend find out that she had no follicles growing after taking 100mg of clomid. It's devastating. I would really like to see 4 or 5 good follies and I'm really hoping that we get to trigger on Friday so I can have the added certainty of 1) ovulation and 2) that all the mature eggs came out. The RE told me that even if I ovulated before we could trigger that I would get the shot anyway to help sustain any possible pregnancy. I just would feel so much better if we used it to induce ovulation and the sustainability was a happy by product!

I feel good. Better than I have in months. I really hope that this our month. We'll find out right before the New Year.

I've read that hope can be the surest and fastest way to kill oneself. I'm usually prone to agree with that.

Right now, hope is a bright and shiny dream that I wish I would never wake from. To sleep contentedly adrift in a perfect world of wishes and love and nothing but good intentions.

"The road to hell was paved with good intentions." I, however, as of right now; am enjoying the hell outta the ride.

Happy Birthday Mom!!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

An Open Letter to The Fertiles in My Life

Sorry it's been a little while; I've been ill with the stomach flu. Loads of fun let me assure you. What I thought was an innocent case of sugar indulgence in my son was actually the dreaded stomach flu, 2 days after he got it, I did.

I'm happy to report I am on the mend and feeling much better!

Now, to my topic of the moment. As horrible as the stomach flu is, nothing can compare to the stomach churning, acid inducing gastrointestinal pain that is an insensitive fertile. I have a friend who has been a friend for a long time, she knows my situation. She knowingly and voluntarily got sterilized after the birth of her last child. yet, she still feels the need to tell me about every, single pregnant person she knows of. She also feels the need to tell me that her hubby wants another and she "can't" have anymore, at least "without it costing a lot more." She is also convinced that it will "just happen" and they will have another by accident.

Really? Do you realize who you are talking to? I didn't choose to not have anymore children, it was thrust (quite unfairly) upon me! I want more children, I like  children! I don't complain constantly about my son! I truly cannot believe that she talks to me about the things she does knowing what I'm going through and I CAN'T EVEN GET PREGNANT!

Let me ask you a question fertiles: do you not realize just how insensitive and mean you are being? Do you not realize that when you tell us all about every pregnant woman you know it makes us sadder, madder and less likely to talk to you??  Do you realize that while it may be easy for you and others around you to conceive as many as you want so to flaunt your form of birth control and then lament it's necessity and permanence is like a big, fat, slap in the damn face??!!!

I just want to say this: I try very hard not to be bitter, and spiteful and hateful. That being said: stop it. It's hurtful.

I in no way, shape, or form begrudge you your children, are unhappy when you conceive or don't want to be told. I just would really appreciate it if you would call someone who is not struggling with infertility and talk about other's pregnancies/tubals/frustration of their 5 kids.

I want to talk about a dear friend's pregnancy and children, but please if you have any love for me as a friend, be conscious of the fact that I would, and am doing, anything to have your swollen feet, sore back, sleepless nights and easy ability to decide and then conceive a baby. I can't. I'm jealous and mad and incredibly heartbroken. Respect that. Respect that mt situation is difficult and there are other people that you can discuss these things with.

You know how you don't want to talk about infertility with me all the time? Well, I don't want to discuss your "inability" to have children due to your tubal, or all the accidental pregnancies that you hear about or how if I would "just relax," or "take a break," it would happen.

Thank you to all the people that support me, fertiles and infertiles alike! I couldn't make it through without you.

To those who are not a supportive as I might like, or who don't understand: I hope that this letter helps you see how much it hurts. I hope that this letter gives you a little insight into something I hope you never have to feel for yourself. I hope that you read this and become closer to me and not pushed away by a pain that is hard to deal with and harder to help with.

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.  ~William Blake

Friday, December 3, 2010

8 1/2 Years and He Still Surprises Me

Cycle 10 of fertility treatments officially began today. I am spotting and AF should be here right on time tomorrow. I've worked through my sadness and anger and feel ready to move on.
I had my first RE appointment in about 8 months. It went surprisingly well. We did an ultrasound and found that the clomid has not caused any cysts and my ovaries actually look a little better than they did when we started. My uterus was also in tip top shape and was not negatively affected by the treatments either. The RN and I went over the plan for this cycle with the trigger, DH's sperm count was found to be excellent as well. I was also informed today that there are still a few more options before IUI, injections like Follistim and Ovidrel along with the clomid and timed intercourse. We have a "very good chance" this cycle as my RN put it. I am cautiously hopeful and more than a little relieved.
Now, to my husband. He never ceases to amaze me. Just when I think we may have reached a true hurdle in our marriage that we might not be able to overcome without some serious work and possibly therapy; he turns it around.
As you know my dear bleeps (blog peeps hehe) my husband and I have been fighting like it's the end of the free world. I have complained bitterly of how he doesn't understand and is only concerned with the financial aspect of fertility treatments; that he bemoans his "duties" and blames IF for our recent marriage troubles. He has adamantly refused in fact to continue treatments past this cycle until the middle of next year at the earliest.
I went to the appointment with my mother, seeing as he wasn't exactly stoked to witness the pelvic ultrasound. I came home and said nothing. He asked how it went I replied "fine." He began to ask more questions, he was genuinely interested. He smiled and sounded excited at the prospect of different treatment options. He told me in fact that this was great news seeing as now we can continue to try.
What?! I know, I know, collect yourselves for a moment and then I shall continue.
My darling husband actually wants to do this with me and make a baby. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was skeptical. Confused. Maybe a little mad. Why have we been fighting? Why does he disagree at every turn?
We kiss and hug, he goes to work and I am left at home to ponder this fortuitous turn of events.
Then it dawns on me. We fight because this hurts. If I'm being completely honest, we also fight because I think I have forgotten that this is meant to be an expression of love between two people, a mutual desire to create life. I've turned it into an all consuming chore. I've lost myself and my connection to him somewhere in this tumultuous sea that is infertility.
I think I have found the shore again. I feel calmer, I feel saner. Most important I remember that I love my husband. That I want to have my husband's baby; not just a baby.
I can honestly say that I have never experienced a darker time in my young life. Never. Death is not the same, though I have been touched by that.
When I married him I said the words, repeated the vows. Not expecting that we would be tested like this. Never believing that something as important as children and our ability to cope with crisis would make me think of those vows in shame. I have failed. I have thought of only myself.
He has brought me back, not by thinking of his hurts, his failures, but by thinking of me. I cannot express how grateful, overwhelmed and loved he made me feel today.
This new and improved way of thinking is helping already. We are finding each other again. We are smiling and laughing and touching again. I love you Shawn. Thank you for helping me find myself when I didn't even realize I was so lost.
"For better or worse, richer or poorer, through sickness and health, until death do us part."

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Damn the Digi: A Tale of HPT Desperation

As the title suggests my life as of the last week has been an exercise in madness. One that I excelled at I want to point out,
Convinced I was pregnant I have taken 15 "Internet cheapies," 2 Answers, 2 Clearblue Easy Digitals, and 2 First Response Early Response. Yes in a week. Feel free to commence judgement or begin calling my local psych ward as I obviously need to be committed.
Needless to say they were all negative. Most devastatingly and final were the digitals. The words "Not Pregnant" tear across that little bitty screen and into my fragile and bruised heart. It's like taking a bullet.
I have finally accepted (with the advent of some portentous spotting) that I am in fact not pregnant. This was my 9th, yes MY 9TH round of treatments. I'm incredibly frustrated to say the least.
We are doing things a little differently this cycle, 150mgs of clomid and an HCG trigger to induce ovulation along with "timed intercourse." If this doesn't work we are on hiatus until April or May of 2011 in which we will either have the lap surgery for my endo or we will try IUI.
I feel like there is too much pressure on this cycle. If it doesn't work I don't know if I can happily, or at least with peace of mind, not try for 3 or 4 months. It sounds a little ridiculous but the thing is....I've never not gotten something that I wanted and worked hard for. Never. I have no control over this and it's driving me mental. Welly and truly CRAZY!
That all being said this month is also the month that I will turn over a new leaf. No stress of OPKs, charting and guessing intercourse days should help with this.
1) I will not badger my husband about TTC. Or sex. Or tests. I'm going to try very hard to make this as enjoyable as possible for him this month and maybe he will put forth a good effort!
2) I will set and stick by an amount of time each day to "obsess." This means that for a half an hour a day I can scour the web for symptoms, looks at others' pee sticks and generally drive my self crazy. I will then turn off the computer and my mind and move on with my day.
3) I will stay busy enjoying the season with my family. In particular my son, who should not lose his mom because I have lost myself to TTC.
4) I will have a positive attitude about this cycle.
5) I will accept with as much dignity and gratefulness as possible if it doesn't work. We have tried for 2 years this month, 1 year and 10 rounds of fertility treatments. That is a good run and to do more right away might destroy my marriage and my body.
Basically, I am not to going to lose myself to this. I am and will be strong enough to beat it, whatever the outcome. Ideally that would be a new addition to the family, but if not: I tried.
This is a season to remember how much you love and appreciate the people and the things you have in your life. 2011 will be a better year for me by default; nothing can be harder or more heartbreaking than this year of sounding disappointments.
Time to move forward and stop looking back. Here's to a new life and a new cycle.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

New Month, New Hope

Today is cd 28 for me, so I should be two days away from AF (aunt flow). All of my tests have been negatives. I think I'm out.
I'm ttoally devestated. I really thought this month we had a good chance. Apparently not. To top it all off, hubby and I have been fighting like wet cats. All the time. Over fertility treatments. I want to continue he wants to take a break and make sure we don't go bankrupt.
I agree. How do I tell him that I don't want to waste a bunch of money (well no more than we already have) too? I just don't want to give up yet! There are so many more medications and procedures to try!
I think that maybe the root of my problem with this, the reason I am so crazy about it. I'm a control freak. I always have been. If I want something to happen I go out there and I make it happen. I do whatever it takes and make sure that I am the biggest, baddest, b*tch on the yard so that I can run the show. I can't do that with IF. I have zero control over this. I t ake my mediaction like I'm supposed to, I exercise, I don't smoke, I don't drink I have sex when I'm "fertile." Yet it doesn't happen. The control freak in me starts torun wild. I know that we did it this month, I did everything I was supposed to! Isn't there a system to this? I followed protocol WTH!!!
So, needless to say, hubby and I have come up with a compromise. We are increasing my clomid dose this month to 150mgs and doing an HCG trigger to induce ovulation. No opks, no charting, no guessing what days to ahve sex. If it doesn't work than we will start IUI in April of 2011. Which I learned the other day only gives you a 20% chance of pregnancy; which is what "normal" people with no fertility problems have every month. Really? Thats it? I guess it's worth trying, we've tried everythig else.
It all feels so final. I knew that hubs was done, I knew that I was acting  like a psycho on the clomid and we've just increased it. It just feels like if this doesn't work than I might have to give up on my dreams of a big family. Of a small family. Of a family with even 2 children.
New month, new hope. I pray that things work out the way I want them to for once. If not, I guess at least we have a plan.
On a happier note, I am done with Christmas shopping! Yay! My son got way more than I said I was gonna buy but meh, what are ya gonna do?
Stay strong fellow cysters, this isn't an easy journey but the end resuly will be worth it. Whether that be a baby or at least peace of mind that you've done all you can do.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Holy Decorations Batman!

Yes. In my family we celebrate early. I'm actually a day behind! We would always set out Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving. That's right folks, my mother was bonafide Christmas-aholic. We would then proceed to take it all down Christmas day because by then she was sick of it. :)
Back to the decorating. My mother did it with style. She had been collecting things for years. I do mean years. Her birthday is December 12th, so every year we would get her a new Santa for her collection. We made popcorn garlands, cookie ornaments, construction paper garlands and wreaths. It was fun. It was magical. About 8 years ago our shed got broken into and everything was taken. Including all of my mom's Christmas stuff. Why someone would take homemade decorations (poorly done I might add as they were made by a 3 and 5 year old) is beyond me. This devastated my mother. Christmas has not been the same since.
I noticed this year as I put up all of my decorations with my  son...I was my mother. My house looks like Christmas threw up! There is something on every surface! Garland graces the kitchen cabinets in elegant sweeps, lights twinkle and dazzle every dark corner. The Christmas tree is alight with homemade ornaments, Cian's first Christmas being my favorite. I carried on the tradition of having a Christmas village....it lives in my entertainment center for the season; complete with "hills" and trees and it even snowed fabulous glitter all over the little tableau of a village I had created.
My house hearkens to a Norman Rockwell painting; and I love it.
I've been a little stressed out this cycle. Thanksgiving (which was wonderful by the way my food was TOTALLY better than my mother's!) was a test in my adulthood, my first year of cooking. I also can't help but feel that this is my last cycle on medication. I've been thinking a lot lately and I just don't want to do it anymore. It's too much and too hard on my body. I need a break. My husband needs a break. I feel if I don't get pregnant this cycle that this may be it. I will only ever have one child. Perfect though he is.
I have decided to stop obsessing as of right now. No more testing. No more checking my favorite pink website. I want to spend the last part of this terrible year with my son and husband. Making memories and enjoying the season.
Time to deck the halls people!  (I think I will even do a little decking at my mothers).

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Support:and Not the Kind You Get From Good Pantyhose

I feel it necessary to broach this subject given that November is traditionally the time to look back and remember those people and things that you are thankful for. Especially the people.
2010 has been a hard year for me, and subsequently my family. I was diagnosed with PCOS in Feb after a little over a year of trying on our own. I started out hopeful, assuming that the drugs would do their jobs and *poof* I'd be pregnant. Nine months later instead of looking at a bawling, pink face; I'm staring at the business end of yet another round of fertility treatments, mounting debt and a sex life (and sometimes marriage) that's in the toilet.
There are so many things, however, that I am thankful for this year. I feel the need to list them, mostly for my own benefit; so that I can see the many good things that have happened to me and all the amazing people in my life:
1. My son turned 2 this year. He is healthy and happy and thank the Lord potty trained!
2. Potty trained. Nothing more need be said :)
3. My husband. He has put forth a gallant effort to get me pregnant all while super commuting, working a stressful job and pursuing his dream job. He's my shoulder to cry on, my vest friend, my greatest enemy, my lover, and my fellow infertility warrior. I love you.
4. My family. I don't know what I would do w/othem. My mom is my best friend, my Nana is my hero and I have a few really special cousins that are always in my corner.
5. My brothers. They deserve their own number b/c they have been my best friends and biggest support over the years. I wanted sisters but you guys are ok.
6. My "TTC" friends. You know who you are, I would not have been able to get through this year w/o your support and understanding. In particular my friend Kate, whom I have never "met" but feel as if she was a sister. A soul-cyster. Thanks for making me feel better about being bitter, thankful for my blessings, and a good laugh never hurt either. Good grannies girl I'm so glad I met you!
7. My health. In this journey trying to get pregnant over the last 20 months I've lost 50 lbs, quit smoking, got off of blood pressure meds, and get daily exercise. I have more energy, feel better about myself and if nothing else I'll be around longer for Cian.
8. Baking. There are just some days that I would not have been able to get through w/o a cookie or a brownie or something that I know I shouldn't have eaten. In particular those God-awful days when AF shows.
Sometimes you get the obvious support, the kind that you ask for. The "I'm sorries," and "it will happens." The obligatory hugs and "sad faces" online.
Then there is the support you don't ask for. The random call from a good friend just because your text "seemed a little off." The unbidden hugs and kisses from my son and husband and mother because I looked like I needed one. The incredible feeling of love and empathy that pours out of a computer screen when 100,000 women that you've never met are rooting for that second line.
I am truly blessed and sometimes I need to remind myself how wonderful my life really is. So I implore you, this year when sitting around the table with family and friends, don't bemoan the things you don't have (yet) or feel sad about the faces you don't see. What matters is the tangible and very real love and hope that these holidays represent.
Happy Thanksgiving blogland, thanks for listening.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Carbonara and Other Beat Up Eggs

I'm making carbonara tonight for dinner. It's that wonderful, creamy combination of parmesean cheese, cream and eggs. It's silky and decadent and I'm way too excited about it!
For some reason, probably because I am obsessed, carbonara brought me to think about TTC. Maybe it's the common denomenator of the eggs?
On my favorite TTC website a friend has been having a hard time. There is basically a huge debate/argument over whether or not she is pregnant or it was the fading of her HCG trigger. I personally, do not care. Either way it must be devestating. We don't know for sure if she is/was pregnant but she is in my thoughts today.
It got me to thinking about my eggs. I have them. Plenty of them. Seemingly healthy. They just don't want to come out. I know that if I can get my body to ovulate regularly I will get pregnant. it's getting to that point that I have trouble with. I can't say the same for a few friends who are struggling with poor egg quality and diminished reserve. These women have gotten pregnant, where I haven't, but they went on to lose the pregnancies.
I've been reading about how these women are dealing with their losses. Some cry, some laugh, some pretend that it didn't happen or shake it off with admirable optimism. "At least I know that I can get pregnant."
I, thankfully, have not had to deal with a loss; early or otherwise. I find myself unknowing of what to say. Should I give condolences? Should I make a joke? (Not to be mean but if you know me then you know that humor is my answer to everything. I joked during my C-Section b/c I was so scared). Do I congratulate them on at least getting pregnant? Do I grieve with them and bemoan the unfairness of rotten eggs?
I digress and ramble. I struggle with this everyday. What is my egg doing? Am I going to ovulate? Did my egg fertilize? Did my egg implant? I think alot about eggs.
The linguine alla carbonara just makes me giggle. Out of a delicious egg based sauce I get the reference of beaten eggs. My eggs are beat up. Often forced out of a comfortable situation by mass amounts of hormones. My friends' eggs are whipped and beat as well.
So, I say this unto my egg-cellant friends, let's all combine our beaten, whipped, sad batch of rotten eggs into one perfectly balanced, truthfully delicious carbonara sauce. If we can't get pregnant with our eggs, at least we can eat them.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

"Love Machine"

I sit here writing this at 8:00 am, no one is up but me. It's peaceful; just myself and my coffee cup. The little wisps of steam bring me wonderous java scents as I sip contentedly. It's a sham. I am up because I had a monster fight with my husband last night.
About sex. I, apparently, make it feel mechanical by reminding him during key days, or talking about it with him or whatever. I truly don't understand why this makes it mechanical; because the thing is if I DON'T say something to him, it falls by the wayside.
I'm sure most of you are aware that intercourse equals baby. No exceptions. You are only fertile for about 5 days each cycle and 4 of those are before ovulation. So it's a big deal to time it right. When taking fertility drugs, charting and generally driving yourself mad with it, it's even more so.
I can't help but feel resentlful. This is his only part in it really. I'm the one that has to take the medications, I'm the one who has to chart and get blood drawn and undergo ultrasounds. I'm the one that feels icky because of the damn medication most of the month. I realize that this is a selfish and egocentrical way to look at this; we are in it together. I know this. I just wish that he would act like it. Make an effort. Show some initiative.
It makes me feel guitly because it's MY body that doesn't work. It's MY fault that we can't conceive.
I don't want him to feel like a "love machine," so I vow; as of right now, to leave him be. Hopefully he will see how important this is and that I'm not trying to pester him (his words not mine). I just want to give us every chance possible to make all this struggle worth it.
Word of advice: don't have fertility problems. It's hell on your sex life.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Thanksgiving and Other Musings

After way too many of the damn things I finally got my positive OPK this morning! YAY! We have timed everything great, temps looks good....we just may do it this cycle!
My good friend also had a sucessful RE visit this morning. She is now to do 100mg of clomid, 1500mg of metformin and an ovidrel trigger. You go girl! This is our month! (We've vowed to get pregnant together so if it works for me it will theoretically work for her....right?).
On a different and much promised non-fertility related note: we are having over 30 people for Thanksgiving this year. It is such an overwhelming number in fact that the overlords of the Thanksgiving feast, aka my mother and grandmother, have seen fit to bestow me cooking rights this year. I get to roast a whole turkey and make all of the pies. According to the current deities of the kitchen, this is a big deal that I will most likely screw up.  :)
My illustrious foremothers are tradtional in the most hardcore of ways. Traditional turkey spices, stuffing, pies, and sides. I plan on making a turkey, that while by no means "weird" or unappetizing in any way, is an obvious deviation from the aforementioned tradition. I, in my rebellious second generation way, have decided to put herbs in the turkey! I know, I know, take a moment to gasp and collect yourselves.
Better? Now that you have hopefully recovered from that most heinous of all ideas, I give you this: I also plan to make FRESH FRUIT pies. Oh yes, I will peel and slice and mascerate fruit. I will knead and press and pre-bake homemade dough. Renegade as it is I think this is how I want to represent myself as the newest member of the reigning Queens of Feasting.
Plus I wanna show up my mother.  :)
Any ideas or opinions would be much appreciated as I am open to any way, shape or form that will irritate and worry my mother about my abilities and level of sanity to complete this most holy of missions.
Wish me luck in all my endeavors, for I sail now into waters that are choppy and dangerous. I WILL get pregnant this cycle, and I WILL totally make my mother look like the cook from Little Orphan Annie.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

An Exercise in Futility

As I have previously posted I am a notorious repeater. So much so in fact this cycle I completely ran out of OPKs and had to go buy more. Not. A. Positive. In. Sight. UGH! I'm so frustrated. I honestly believe that temping and going on that damn TWW site make it worse for me. I haven't done this in months.
The worst part is that I know, because I want it so bad, it won't happen. It just won't. I've done all the right things this cycle; even if I ovulate tomorrow instead of yesterday. Yet I know that it just won't work.
I'm mad, and hurting and just feel icky and I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to pull myself out of this depression. It's been a hard day. My son practically destroyed the whole house. I mean that in all seriousness. He broke: a picture frame, the entertainment center drawer, his curtain rod; he unrolled all the toilet paper, wouldn't nap and has generally just been difficult today. I think the actual walls might be next.
I realize that I need to "stop trying." I know that the stress at this point is as bad, if not worse, than the PCOS. I need to find an outlet for all of this and I'm hoping this blog will help. If not...maybe I need to abandon the whole damn thing. Give up.
On a better note....my husband is moving right along in the process of becoming a sheriff! Well, deputy sheriff. All he has left to do is the psych eval which happens on Monday! He passed his drug/physical test this morning. This is truly a blessing. He got hired on w/CDOC in Sept. of 2009 and he has been commuting 4 hours a day everyday. He's never home, always tired, and to top it off it's a super stressful job. If he gets the job with the sheriff's dept. he will cut his commute down to maybe an hour a day and will have 4 on 4 off. Better benefits as well. He deserves it. He tested and applied almost a year ago and we heard nothing for MONTHS! I'm so proud of him. The poor, wonderful man, he's even kept up with my demanding "performance" schedule. Bless him. he is truly a saint. :)
I want to end this on a good note...out with the bad in with the good. I'm so thankful for my family, in particular my son and my husband. I'm also immensely glad for a certain friend, Kroda, that helps me get through all my insane, clomid and pee stick induced hysteria; on basically a daily basis. Thanks for being there.
I've decided to deviate a bit from the infertility laden posts and try and focus on other things. So, in addition to some cut-back rantings about my busted plumbing, I'm going to make a true effort to make my life about something OTHER than this miserable existence I know call life.
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." ~ Dr. Seuss

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Fetus Envy

Yes. I suffer from fetus envy. It has got to be the most shameful side effect of dealing with fertility treatments. For those of you who don't know, the term fetus envy refers to the unabashed hatred/jealousy/sadness that you feel when confronted with a pregnant woman.
My cousin's long term boyfriend's brother is having his baby today. It was "unplanned." Instead of feeling joy and maybe a smidge sentimental, as I would have 20 months ago, I feel this burning, raw pain in my stomach and heart. Sure I put on a good face, say all the right things, but deep down; maybe not even that deeply anymore, I'm seething. The inevitable phrases opo unbidden into my rage soaked brain "Why does SHE get a baby? They weren't even trying!" "This is their FOURTH child why can't I just get ONE more?" "Must be nice when it's so easy, I bet they don't even appreciate what they have."
Nasty thoughts. Unwanted and shameful thoughts. I have a running conversation with a good friend who is also going through infertility about this very subject.  I will randomly send or recieve an irate text message complaining to her and all of sundry how unfair and mean it is that that strange woman should have the audacity to walk in front of my car visibly pregnant, with another in tow in front of BabiesRUs. We then commence reassuring each other that we are not bad, hateful people, just angry at our situation.
I will sometimes blurt out loud "Oh my God ANOTHER ONE!" When in public with my family as we pass the seemingly 1000th pregnant woman at Target. It feels as if every person except me is pregant. Facebook is a plethora, a treasure trove of baby announcements. It seems that every day someone new is knocked up, or even more painfully declaring the woes of new babies when I sit sad and despondant at my computer screen reading their unhappiness with their new child and all I want is the opportunity to throw up all day, get sore feet and never sleep for 8 months. I would give anything, and I do mean anything to feel that again.
I was recently on one of my favorite conception sites and I read the saddest story. A woman was posting about how sad she was because she had been trying for 7 months and couldn't get pregnant. Ok I understand that, it's rough. I read on to find out that due to financial woes she had terminated a healthy pregnancy 10 months ago. Needless to say the TTC community was outraged. I logged onto the site today and she's pregnant. This will be her third pregnancy.
I'm having a hard time with this today, I know that today is O day, D day if you will. We ahve tried everything we could this cycle and I know that by tomorrow it won't matter. Then the waiting, the symptom spotting, the line interpreting will start anew. In the end though, it all comes down to today. I will either conceive or won't. I try to be happy and positive about my situation, but there is that niggling voice in the back of my head screaming the atrocity that is fetus envy all the time. Every tv show, news brief, post or fleeting glance of that ever elusive pregnancy taunts me. Drives me crazy. Makes me feel ungrateful and spiteful. I hope that this post will help someone who feels this know that we are not bad people that wish ill on anyone, or even that we don't want to know about friends' pregnancies. We are just hurting and, to be honest, jealous. Wish me luck...today is a day that will live in infamy. (At least for me.)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Many Joys of "The Repeater"

So, my son has hit that most unfortunate of stages: repetition. As I type the word my whole body shudders and lines from the 2 most frequent films start to stream through my conciousness. "We're vikings, it's an occupational hazard," "You're FIRED-DUH!" Now, if you're lucky enough not to recognize those now infamous lines (at least at my house) they are from How to Train Your Dragon and The Cat in The Hat; respectively.
As I patter around the house, picking up an offending toy from the bottom of my foot, grappling another load of toddler sized laundry it hits me: I'm. A. Repeater. So it's not an unfortunate state of toddlerhood, it's genetic! My poor, unaware son has inherited this defective gene from none other than me! How do I know this?
I, in fact, repeated this very morning. I am an obsessive OPK taker. For those of you who don't know an OPK, or Ovulation Predictor Kit, is a test that looks like a pregnancy test that you tinkle on and it will tell you your two most fertile days. Well, OPKs being the fickle creatures they are are dependant upon many variables: urine concentration, time of day, cycle day...so on and so forth. Therefore, as only a logical, obsessively trying to get pregnant woman would do....I pee on one almost hourly. All 14 from today were negative in case you were wondering, but we are getting closer :)
I do the same thing with pregnancy tests, although the time frame is much shorter being as you can only detect pregnancy accuratly from a few days before your "missed" period and on. Even knowing that, however, doesn't stop me from testing the day after ovualtion. Just in case. I also BBT chart, taking my temperature at the same time, in the same side of my mouth, everyday.
My name is Katrina and I am a repeater.
I just thought it was funny how something so irritating and incomprehensible in a toddler is justifiable and even encouraged in adults. I was told by my doctor to test "at least twice a day," so that I timed intercourse correctly. I go on a particular website *cough, cough* where sane, smart women just like me post picture after picture of pregnancy tests to try and decipher any tiny smudge of pink. Lord help you if someone sees something because then it becomes a frenzy of pee-sticks! Your post becomes this jungle of angles, color saturations and different backgrounds all to capture the elusive second pink line you have been striving for!
So....I now sit with my son, watching Cat in the Hat for the fourth time today, not as judgemental as this morning. Maybe a little more understanding how doing watching something that makes you happy over and over again; whether it be a movie or the emergence of a pink line, can happen to the best of us.
So I say unto you: My fellow repeaters....do not hide your idiosyncrocies....embrace them! Watch the movie again, take another test. You never know. The ending this time might surprise you.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Secondary Infertility Guilt: A View Into the Mind of a Mad Infertile Woman

Secondary infertility guilt. This is a thought/opinion/feeling of mine that I have often and verbalize rarely. Most of the people that I talk to about this either have not been cursed (thankfully) w/infertility at all;or are suffering from (sadly) primary infertility which means they have no kid(s). Both groups are equally hurtful, sometimes unintentionally sometimes not, and both creatE that irrepresable feeling of guilt.
Why the guilt? Well, I was recently asked by a close family member "Why can't you be happy with the one you have?" Hmmm. Why can't I? Am I some horrible, insenstive TTC monster that is so focused on getting pregnant that I ignore and don't appreciate the child I have? Am I going about this wrong? Should I just stop taking the drugs and let "nature take it's course" because I have a child? These thoughts race through my mind anytime that someone makes a comment even resembling that one. I am incredibly happy and eternally grateful for my son. I know how lucky I am.  I don't think however that should exclude me from wanting and pursuing more. The guilt strikes again. "What about those women who don't have any?" Or " At least your not one of those women who has miscarriages all the time." How do you respond to that? What do you say that doesn't come off as cruel or dismissive?
I feel guilty that I'm so sad that I'm having trouble getting pregnant again b/c of the ladies that can't at all. I feel guilty that people think I don't appreciate my son. I feel guilty when these things get said to me and all the while I'm screaming inside of my head "WHAT ABOUT ME?! I HURT TOO AND IT'S JUST AS REAL AS ANYON ELSES'!"
Thats what I want people to know with this post. I feel to the very depths of my soul for those going through this, for those who aren't yet blessed w/the child they desire so badly. I, however, do want recognition that it hurts just as bad when you say those things to me, when I'm told I should stop and be happy w/Cian it cuts just as deeply. I want those sufferng from primary infertility to know that those of us w/secondary DO feel guilty. Pain is pain. Whether you hurt from having none, or having the option to have more taken from you, it hurts.
That being said, everyone that I have met in this situation have been nothing but supportive and wonderful. Fingers crossed ladies....this is a lucky month. I can feel it. :)

Hello World Wide Web

So....this is my first ever blog and first ever post. I really don't care if I get readers or not; I just wanted a safe venue to talk about the things that are going on in my life. For some reason it's easier to type how I feel to complete strangers than talk to anyone in real life. I can't take the pitying looks, the rolling of the eyes or the glazed expression that tells me that people are tired of talking about my struggle with infertility. I don't blame them. I'm tired of dealing with it too.
Just so everyone knows, this month, Nov.2010, marks our 9th round of fertility treatments with the ovulation drug Clomid. I'm no 100mg cd 3-7 and also taking Metformin 2000mg daily for the last 2 months. This is our last ditch effort before we have to move on to IUI/IVF as per doctor's orders. I was diagnosed w/PCOS in Feb.2010. I also have suspected endometriosis. My husband checked out A-OK and my HSG was all clear.
I have a 2 1/2 year old son Cian. He is the light of my life and the joy of every one of my days. He is rowdy, mischevious, hell on wheels kinda guy. He's smart, funny and I wouldn't know what to do w/o him!
My husband Shawn, and I have been married for 4 1/2 years, together for 8. We met when I was 16 and he was 18. Love at first site and still going strong. He's been in law enforcement for almost 4 years and is currently attempting to get on w/a local sheriff's department.
Thats my backstory and a little current information. This blog is mainly going to be my rant and rave section for infertility, so if you don't wanna know...don't read :)
I'll post again soon!