Saturday, November 20, 2010

"Love Machine"

I sit here writing this at 8:00 am, no one is up but me. It's peaceful; just myself and my coffee cup. The little wisps of steam bring me wonderous java scents as I sip contentedly. It's a sham. I am up because I had a monster fight with my husband last night.
About sex. I, apparently, make it feel mechanical by reminding him during key days, or talking about it with him or whatever. I truly don't understand why this makes it mechanical; because the thing is if I DON'T say something to him, it falls by the wayside.
I'm sure most of you are aware that intercourse equals baby. No exceptions. You are only fertile for about 5 days each cycle and 4 of those are before ovulation. So it's a big deal to time it right. When taking fertility drugs, charting and generally driving yourself mad with it, it's even more so.
I can't help but feel resentlful. This is his only part in it really. I'm the one that has to take the medications, I'm the one who has to chart and get blood drawn and undergo ultrasounds. I'm the one that feels icky because of the damn medication most of the month. I realize that this is a selfish and egocentrical way to look at this; we are in it together. I know this. I just wish that he would act like it. Make an effort. Show some initiative.
It makes me feel guitly because it's MY body that doesn't work. It's MY fault that we can't conceive.
I don't want him to feel like a "love machine," so I vow; as of right now, to leave him be. Hopefully he will see how important this is and that I'm not trying to pester him (his words not mine). I just want to give us every chance possible to make all this struggle worth it.
Word of advice: don't have fertility problems. It's hell on your sex life.

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