Saturday, November 13, 2010

Secondary Infertility Guilt: A View Into the Mind of a Mad Infertile Woman

Secondary infertility guilt. This is a thought/opinion/feeling of mine that I have often and verbalize rarely. Most of the people that I talk to about this either have not been cursed (thankfully) w/infertility at all;or are suffering from (sadly) primary infertility which means they have no kid(s). Both groups are equally hurtful, sometimes unintentionally sometimes not, and both creatE that irrepresable feeling of guilt.
Why the guilt? Well, I was recently asked by a close family member "Why can't you be happy with the one you have?" Hmmm. Why can't I? Am I some horrible, insenstive TTC monster that is so focused on getting pregnant that I ignore and don't appreciate the child I have? Am I going about this wrong? Should I just stop taking the drugs and let "nature take it's course" because I have a child? These thoughts race through my mind anytime that someone makes a comment even resembling that one. I am incredibly happy and eternally grateful for my son. I know how lucky I am.  I don't think however that should exclude me from wanting and pursuing more. The guilt strikes again. "What about those women who don't have any?" Or " At least your not one of those women who has miscarriages all the time." How do you respond to that? What do you say that doesn't come off as cruel or dismissive?
I feel guilty that I'm so sad that I'm having trouble getting pregnant again b/c of the ladies that can't at all. I feel guilty that people think I don't appreciate my son. I feel guilty when these things get said to me and all the while I'm screaming inside of my head "WHAT ABOUT ME?! I HURT TOO AND IT'S JUST AS REAL AS ANYON ELSES'!"
Thats what I want people to know with this post. I feel to the very depths of my soul for those going through this, for those who aren't yet blessed w/the child they desire so badly. I, however, do want recognition that it hurts just as bad when you say those things to me, when I'm told I should stop and be happy w/Cian it cuts just as deeply. I want those sufferng from primary infertility to know that those of us w/secondary DO feel guilty. Pain is pain. Whether you hurt from having none, or having the option to have more taken from you, it hurts.
That being said, everyone that I have met in this situation have been nothing but supportive and wonderful. Fingers crossed ladies....this is a lucky month. I can feel it. :)


  1. Im so glad you posted this because I didnt know you had a blog!! I really hope this is our "lucky" month!!! :)

  2. I love you Kat! And I don't even freaking "know" you!!! You of all people love your kiddo and deserve another one!!!!! Even though I don't have kids, when we've talked on the phone, I could just hear the love you have for Cian... Don't just "be happy" with what you have, go for what you want, and always do what makes you happy... I've gotten to the point by saying screw other people... LOL... Any who... I can't wait to read more... I actually wanted to start blogging... LoL... TTYS

  3. Thanks Kate! I know that I love my son and people that know and love me know it too. I was just trying to express some of the more unique feelings of guilt and frustration that I think accompanies secondary infertility as opposed to primary. I think they both hurt the same but in different ways if that makes sense lol. Anyway....why aren't you a follower yet? LOL.