Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Fetus Envy

Yes. I suffer from fetus envy. It has got to be the most shameful side effect of dealing with fertility treatments. For those of you who don't know, the term fetus envy refers to the unabashed hatred/jealousy/sadness that you feel when confronted with a pregnant woman.
My cousin's long term boyfriend's brother is having his baby today. It was "unplanned." Instead of feeling joy and maybe a smidge sentimental, as I would have 20 months ago, I feel this burning, raw pain in my stomach and heart. Sure I put on a good face, say all the right things, but deep down; maybe not even that deeply anymore, I'm seething. The inevitable phrases opo unbidden into my rage soaked brain "Why does SHE get a baby? They weren't even trying!" "This is their FOURTH child why can't I just get ONE more?" "Must be nice when it's so easy, I bet they don't even appreciate what they have."
Nasty thoughts. Unwanted and shameful thoughts. I have a running conversation with a good friend who is also going through infertility about this very subject.  I will randomly send or recieve an irate text message complaining to her and all of sundry how unfair and mean it is that that strange woman should have the audacity to walk in front of my car visibly pregnant, with another in tow in front of BabiesRUs. We then commence reassuring each other that we are not bad, hateful people, just angry at our situation.
I will sometimes blurt out loud "Oh my God ANOTHER ONE!" When in public with my family as we pass the seemingly 1000th pregnant woman at Target. It feels as if every person except me is pregant. Facebook is a plethora, a treasure trove of baby announcements. It seems that every day someone new is knocked up, or even more painfully declaring the woes of new babies when I sit sad and despondant at my computer screen reading their unhappiness with their new child and all I want is the opportunity to throw up all day, get sore feet and never sleep for 8 months. I would give anything, and I do mean anything to feel that again.
I was recently on one of my favorite conception sites and I read the saddest story. A woman was posting about how sad she was because she had been trying for 7 months and couldn't get pregnant. Ok I understand that, it's rough. I read on to find out that due to financial woes she had terminated a healthy pregnancy 10 months ago. Needless to say the TTC community was outraged. I logged onto the site today and she's pregnant. This will be her third pregnancy.
I'm having a hard time with this today, I know that today is O day, D day if you will. We ahve tried everything we could this cycle and I know that by tomorrow it won't matter. Then the waiting, the symptom spotting, the line interpreting will start anew. In the end though, it all comes down to today. I will either conceive or won't. I try to be happy and positive about my situation, but there is that niggling voice in the back of my head screaming the atrocity that is fetus envy all the time. Every tv show, news brief, post or fleeting glance of that ever elusive pregnancy taunts me. Drives me crazy. Makes me feel ungrateful and spiteful. I hope that this post will help someone who feels this know that we are not bad people that wish ill on anyone, or even that we don't want to know about friends' pregnancies. We are just hurting and, to be honest, jealous. Wish me is a day that will live in infamy. (At least for me.)

No comments:

Post a Comment