Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Waiting Game

I did something stupid. Something not totally unforgivable in the world of TTC but stupid nonetheless. I tested before I was supposed to; this means I tested before the trigger was completly out of my system. This means I got a positive HPT but it's not real. This means I am now driving not only myself but my entire family/support system totally batty!!

I did test again this morning with FMU after having a complete BFN yesterday....there was a very,very,very faint line. I'm only 10dpt9dpo so it's still really early. I feel like I'm pregnant. Which is weird because I don't have any of the symptoms that I normally associate with being pregnant. I just have a "feeling."

Christmas was good, my darling baby boy was totally, undeniably spoiled!! Santa brought him an entire train table (which took Santa and Mrs. Santa 4 hours to put together):
He got myriad toys as well, Stinky the talking garbage truck, a skateboard a guitar....the list goes on and on. He was a good boy all year so he deserves it :)

I made out pretty good too, my DH got me a Coach bag; a luxury that I no longer indulge in seeing as I have a child that needs more important things than truly lucious handbags. I also received a Keurig coffee maker....this was one of my biggies and I'm so excited! I have, unfortunatley, been drinking like 4 or 5 cups of coffee a day (a big leap from my normal 2) but there are so many flavors to try and it's so much fun! I also got a Nookcolor!! This was my number one request this year! I am an avid reader. I read anythign and everything....truly. I have right now, this is after amny trips to the used bookstore to trafe some in, at least 500 books in my house. I've read them all. Needless to say this Nook will save up valuable floor space!

In an effort to stay busy and not obsess too much, now that the holidays are over I'm beginning to concentrate on the home decor/remodels we plan on doing in the new year. First up: new appliances! I'm uber excited and an local store is offering a fantastic deal on a 4 piece stainless steel set. After that the kitchen will be done. besides some minor kitchy details. Next up is the bathrooms, we are replacing the floors, painting, doing Cian's in a frog theme (totally cute, I will post pics when done) and framing out my master bath mirror....the list is endless but I really enjoy doing it.

So, we have passed by our second year TTC, about to enter a new one and I don't know if I'm pregnant. It's so hard. It's a constant thought. I'm hoping tomorrow now that I know the trigger is gone that I get a line at 10dpo and we move forward from there. It almost seems like it's a dream not worht thinking about because it never happens.

I will keep all of you posted. Any phone calls and emails to distract me would be much appreciated! In the meantime I will continue to enjoy playing with Cian and all his new toys, spending time with my DH and reading my nook! Happy Belated Holidays blogosphere!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

To Be or Not To Be.....Pregnant

I'm pretty sure that Hamlet was in fact not lamenting his inability to conceive but that quote seems to fill my days this TWW. I haven't done any OPKs or charting, no marathon babydance episodes...I feel oddly at peace for the first time in a long time.

My darling hubby and I are getting along better than ever, although he did have a minor setback with the sheriff's dept application. A former employer who unfortunately still employs an old "frenemy" of my husband's, told bald faced, terrible lies to the detective doing the background check. My husband stopped doing some of the more unsavory things that the owner and the other employees were doing and then proceeded to get a new job working for "the man." Needless to say said "frenemies" were none too happy and have been bitter and resentful ever since. Fingers crossed that all the tests he passed with flying colors and good references and hard work he's done to get this job will overshadow those jackasses!

Moving on.

Christmas is coming up shortly and as excited as I am for it, I'm so much more excited for the beginning of January!! We will find out if this cycle was a success then. I have to say I feel pregnant but I also received an HCG trigger so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it! *wink*

I leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Hamlet. As I said earlier I feel a certain affinity for the play this month. Maybe it's the darkness and melancholy, maybe it's theme of never ending hope...that it will all work out. Shakespeare is up for interpretation so enjoy!

"All that lives must die,
Passing through nature to eternity." ~ Hamlet

Thursday, December 16, 2010

PCOS: When Life Kicks You Straight in The Ovaries

I am in incredible pain. It's unbelievable actually; one little follicle could cause so much discomfort. I took the max dose of Clomid this round and produced one follie, maybe two and it feels like my abdomen is about to explode....I almost imagine it like a ripe pomegranate (minus the overflow of "seeds" obviously that's the damn problem).

I take solace in the fact that the pain is a good thing. A non to subtle reminder that even if it is only one follie I did produce one and it is happily growing; if the excruciating twinges and stabbing pains are to be believed anyhow.

I picked a fight with my DH this morning. I didn't consciously do it but I know that it had nothing to do with what I was yelling at him about. It's go time; and I'm scared. Soon the trigger will happen, the one shot of timed intercourse and then the waiting. After all the prep work, the shots, the pills, the pain the awkward sex my defunct body is supposed to take over and create life. I don't know that it will do it.

I hate that time period known as the Two Week Wait. For those of you who don't know the TWW is a period of time that was created to torment and foment insanity in any woman trying to conceive for longer than four months. It's that horrible, soul wringing time between ovulation and the dreaded onset of the Witch.

At this point in the cycle there is nothing more I can do but pray and hope. I hate it. I HATE IT! I;m not even there yet and I can't help but get flustered and upset; I begin to doubt and feel that ever present monster that is pessimism and cynicism begin to claw up my back and hook deep into the darkest part of my brain. There it sits and maniacally laughs as its prods and pokes my tender psyche.

I know that if I don't conceive this cycle that I will go into the next round guns blazing, follistim, clomid and HCG. I can't help but feel a little downtrodden and sad however. I'm sick of trying, I'm tired of being disappointed and crying. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of looking at my DH and feeling mad or ashamed that I'm not "woman enough" for him.

These thoughts are as ridiculous as they are invasive. My family and friends are much more optimistic at this point and are telling me to follow suite. I'm trying. Maybe getting this out in the blogosphere where my only followers are fellow TTCers will help. Knowing that I'm not alone, I'm not crazy and that it's OK to feel this way.

I battle this insidious monster daily, some days I win, albeit a little bruised and bloodied, others I fall victim to it. Torn and broken. Alone. Scared.

I've been told that vulnerability is what creates intimacy. With family, friends, lovers. I have  hard time being vulnerable. I don't like trusting others with my heart. Especially when it is as sore and sad as it is right now. Recently I haven't been able to hide it, my perfectionist persona is cracking; my humanity and insanity breaking through.

I'm scared. It's terrifying to think that I would fail again.

I have put the proverbial pen to paper tonite, I'm letting all of this go. Immortalized for posterity and progeny alike on the blog that no one but me reads.

The ancient Greeks used to go to plays like Antigone and Oedipus Rex as cathartic enterprises. They believed that by watching the most heinous parts of humanity played out onstage they subconsciously lived it and therefore purged themselves of it.

I will not live my life as a Shakespearean tragedy any longer. I will leave the dramatics to the movies and purge myself of the creeper like thoughts that wind themselves around me so silently.

One chance. One egg. One sperm.

Bring it on, I'm ready.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Fa La La La Follie Check

Well, today was was the day. The day thatt I awoke to rush to the RE's office to see for the first time my plethora of wonderful, fat, maturing follicles. So I thought anyway.

I was slightly disappointed to go in today and find out that I have one antral follicle on the right ovary which is currently 33mm. I have one smaller one on the left ovary at 21mm but the RE doesn't think that one will "catch up" to the other.

150mg of Clomid and I managed to produce 1 follicle. Ugh.

We do have a tentative trigger date, this Saturday December 18th. The ironic and maybe portentous part is that I would actually ovulate and possibly conceive on my brother's birthday, which is December 19th. Fate maybe??

I am happy to report that my husband and I seemed to have turned over a new marital leaf. Our love life is much improved (due in part to a far less demanding intercourse schedule teehee) and he is so much more supportive and into this cycle than any in recent memory. We have also discussed a new way to budget and grocery shop that we are hoping will allow for a little more leeway monetarily speaking.

All in all it's been a good week. No major fights or blowouts. No illness. My son is his usual rambunctious 2 year old self.

I try to remind myself that this cycle is different. We are being monitored, we are getting the trigger, doing timed intercourse. It is a lot more of a controlled, precise cycle.

I just have to have faith. This is a month of miracles, whether it be a divine birth, a light burning longer than anyone expected or a time when the entire world is at peace for one night. Maybe this will be the month for my miracle.

Hope is a fragile, hollow thing. It takes flight on gossamer wings and floats away just out of sight; but it is always there. Lurking, watching, making you try just one more time.

"By seeing the seed of failure in every success we remain humble. By seeing the seed of success in every failure we remain hopeful."

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Birthday Wishes and Baby Kisses

Today is my mother's birthday! Being the good daughter that I am I will not divulge of her actual age. She looks wonderful we'll leave it at that!

I want to start this post by saying: Happy Birthday Mommy!! I hope you have a wwonderful, happy day and I cannot wait to celebrate with you later (and not just because you got a truly delicious looking cookies and cream cake....although I won't lie that helps)! I wouldn't know what to do without you; you are my hero, my best friend and confidant and I can't imagine a better mother than you! I love you! <3 <3 <3

So......on Wednesday we have our first follie check at cd 12. I took the 150mg of clomid this cycle and I have to say, I don't know if it was because I am making a conscious effort not to be a raging clomid-bitch but this cycle hasn't been bad at all. Don't get me wrong the hotflashes and headaches make me want to move to Alaska and join Sarah freaking Palin in a snowstorm to cool off but that's about it. No crazy mood swings, no monster arguments.

We seem to feel totally relaxed this time. I haven't taken any OPKs or my temperature; we are not allowed any "babydancing" after the 13th but we have actual made love a couple of times because we *gasp* wanted to. It was fantastic.

I do feel a little stressed about the follie check; I recently had a dear, sweet friend find out that she had no follicles growing after taking 100mg of clomid. It's devastating. I would really like to see 4 or 5 good follies and I'm really hoping that we get to trigger on Friday so I can have the added certainty of 1) ovulation and 2) that all the mature eggs came out. The RE told me that even if I ovulated before we could trigger that I would get the shot anyway to help sustain any possible pregnancy. I just would feel so much better if we used it to induce ovulation and the sustainability was a happy by product!

I feel good. Better than I have in months. I really hope that this our month. We'll find out right before the New Year.

I've read that hope can be the surest and fastest way to kill oneself. I'm usually prone to agree with that.

Right now, hope is a bright and shiny dream that I wish I would never wake from. To sleep contentedly adrift in a perfect world of wishes and love and nothing but good intentions.

"The road to hell was paved with good intentions." I, however, as of right now; am enjoying the hell outta the ride.

Happy Birthday Mom!!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

An Open Letter to The Fertiles in My Life

Sorry it's been a little while; I've been ill with the stomach flu. Loads of fun let me assure you. What I thought was an innocent case of sugar indulgence in my son was actually the dreaded stomach flu, 2 days after he got it, I did.

I'm happy to report I am on the mend and feeling much better!

Now, to my topic of the moment. As horrible as the stomach flu is, nothing can compare to the stomach churning, acid inducing gastrointestinal pain that is an insensitive fertile. I have a friend who has been a friend for a long time, she knows my situation. She knowingly and voluntarily got sterilized after the birth of her last child. yet, she still feels the need to tell me about every, single pregnant person she knows of. She also feels the need to tell me that her hubby wants another and she "can't" have anymore, at least "without it costing a lot more." She is also convinced that it will "just happen" and they will have another by accident.

Really? Do you realize who you are talking to? I didn't choose to not have anymore children, it was thrust (quite unfairly) upon me! I want more children, I like  children! I don't complain constantly about my son! I truly cannot believe that she talks to me about the things she does knowing what I'm going through and I CAN'T EVEN GET PREGNANT!

Let me ask you a question fertiles: do you not realize just how insensitive and mean you are being? Do you not realize that when you tell us all about every pregnant woman you know it makes us sadder, madder and less likely to talk to you??  Do you realize that while it may be easy for you and others around you to conceive as many as you want so to flaunt your form of birth control and then lament it's necessity and permanence is like a big, fat, slap in the damn face??!!!

I just want to say this: I try very hard not to be bitter, and spiteful and hateful. That being said: stop it. It's hurtful.

I in no way, shape, or form begrudge you your children, are unhappy when you conceive or don't want to be told. I just would really appreciate it if you would call someone who is not struggling with infertility and talk about other's pregnancies/tubals/frustration of their 5 kids.

I want to talk about a dear friend's pregnancy and children, but please if you have any love for me as a friend, be conscious of the fact that I would, and am doing, anything to have your swollen feet, sore back, sleepless nights and easy ability to decide and then conceive a baby. I can't. I'm jealous and mad and incredibly heartbroken. Respect that. Respect that mt situation is difficult and there are other people that you can discuss these things with.

You know how you don't want to talk about infertility with me all the time? Well, I don't want to discuss your "inability" to have children due to your tubal, or all the accidental pregnancies that you hear about or how if I would "just relax," or "take a break," it would happen.

Thank you to all the people that support me, fertiles and infertiles alike! I couldn't make it through without you.

To those who are not a supportive as I might like, or who don't understand: I hope that this letter helps you see how much it hurts. I hope that this letter gives you a little insight into something I hope you never have to feel for yourself. I hope that you read this and become closer to me and not pushed away by a pain that is hard to deal with and harder to help with.

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.  ~William Blake

Friday, December 3, 2010

8 1/2 Years and He Still Surprises Me

Cycle 10 of fertility treatments officially began today. I am spotting and AF should be here right on time tomorrow. I've worked through my sadness and anger and feel ready to move on.
I had my first RE appointment in about 8 months. It went surprisingly well. We did an ultrasound and found that the clomid has not caused any cysts and my ovaries actually look a little better than they did when we started. My uterus was also in tip top shape and was not negatively affected by the treatments either. The RN and I went over the plan for this cycle with the trigger, DH's sperm count was found to be excellent as well. I was also informed today that there are still a few more options before IUI, injections like Follistim and Ovidrel along with the clomid and timed intercourse. We have a "very good chance" this cycle as my RN put it. I am cautiously hopeful and more than a little relieved.
Now, to my husband. He never ceases to amaze me. Just when I think we may have reached a true hurdle in our marriage that we might not be able to overcome without some serious work and possibly therapy; he turns it around.
As you know my dear bleeps (blog peeps hehe) my husband and I have been fighting like it's the end of the free world. I have complained bitterly of how he doesn't understand and is only concerned with the financial aspect of fertility treatments; that he bemoans his "duties" and blames IF for our recent marriage troubles. He has adamantly refused in fact to continue treatments past this cycle until the middle of next year at the earliest.
I went to the appointment with my mother, seeing as he wasn't exactly stoked to witness the pelvic ultrasound. I came home and said nothing. He asked how it went I replied "fine." He began to ask more questions, he was genuinely interested. He smiled and sounded excited at the prospect of different treatment options. He told me in fact that this was great news seeing as now we can continue to try.
What?! I know, I know, collect yourselves for a moment and then I shall continue.
My darling husband actually wants to do this with me and make a baby. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was skeptical. Confused. Maybe a little mad. Why have we been fighting? Why does he disagree at every turn?
We kiss and hug, he goes to work and I am left at home to ponder this fortuitous turn of events.
Then it dawns on me. We fight because this hurts. If I'm being completely honest, we also fight because I think I have forgotten that this is meant to be an expression of love between two people, a mutual desire to create life. I've turned it into an all consuming chore. I've lost myself and my connection to him somewhere in this tumultuous sea that is infertility.
I think I have found the shore again. I feel calmer, I feel saner. Most important I remember that I love my husband. That I want to have my husband's baby; not just a baby.
I can honestly say that I have never experienced a darker time in my young life. Never. Death is not the same, though I have been touched by that.
When I married him I said the words, repeated the vows. Not expecting that we would be tested like this. Never believing that something as important as children and our ability to cope with crisis would make me think of those vows in shame. I have failed. I have thought of only myself.
He has brought me back, not by thinking of his hurts, his failures, but by thinking of me. I cannot express how grateful, overwhelmed and loved he made me feel today.
This new and improved way of thinking is helping already. We are finding each other again. We are smiling and laughing and touching again. I love you Shawn. Thank you for helping me find myself when I didn't even realize I was so lost.
"For better or worse, richer or poorer, through sickness and health, until death do us part."

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Damn the Digi: A Tale of HPT Desperation

As the title suggests my life as of the last week has been an exercise in madness. One that I excelled at I want to point out,
Convinced I was pregnant I have taken 15 "Internet cheapies," 2 Answers, 2 Clearblue Easy Digitals, and 2 First Response Early Response. Yes in a week. Feel free to commence judgement or begin calling my local psych ward as I obviously need to be committed.
Needless to say they were all negative. Most devastatingly and final were the digitals. The words "Not Pregnant" tear across that little bitty screen and into my fragile and bruised heart. It's like taking a bullet.
I have finally accepted (with the advent of some portentous spotting) that I am in fact not pregnant. This was my 9th, yes MY 9TH round of treatments. I'm incredibly frustrated to say the least.
We are doing things a little differently this cycle, 150mgs of clomid and an HCG trigger to induce ovulation along with "timed intercourse." If this doesn't work we are on hiatus until April or May of 2011 in which we will either have the lap surgery for my endo or we will try IUI.
I feel like there is too much pressure on this cycle. If it doesn't work I don't know if I can happily, or at least with peace of mind, not try for 3 or 4 months. It sounds a little ridiculous but the thing is....I've never not gotten something that I wanted and worked hard for. Never. I have no control over this and it's driving me mental. Welly and truly CRAZY!
That all being said this month is also the month that I will turn over a new leaf. No stress of OPKs, charting and guessing intercourse days should help with this.
1) I will not badger my husband about TTC. Or sex. Or tests. I'm going to try very hard to make this as enjoyable as possible for him this month and maybe he will put forth a good effort!
2) I will set and stick by an amount of time each day to "obsess." This means that for a half an hour a day I can scour the web for symptoms, looks at others' pee sticks and generally drive my self crazy. I will then turn off the computer and my mind and move on with my day.
3) I will stay busy enjoying the season with my family. In particular my son, who should not lose his mom because I have lost myself to TTC.
4) I will have a positive attitude about this cycle.
5) I will accept with as much dignity and gratefulness as possible if it doesn't work. We have tried for 2 years this month, 1 year and 10 rounds of fertility treatments. That is a good run and to do more right away might destroy my marriage and my body.
Basically, I am not to going to lose myself to this. I am and will be strong enough to beat it, whatever the outcome. Ideally that would be a new addition to the family, but if not: I tried.
This is a season to remember how much you love and appreciate the people and the things you have in your life. 2011 will be a better year for me by default; nothing can be harder or more heartbreaking than this year of sounding disappointments.
Time to move forward and stop looking back. Here's to a new life and a new cycle.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

New Month, New Hope

Today is cd 28 for me, so I should be two days away from AF (aunt flow). All of my tests have been negatives. I think I'm out.
I'm ttoally devestated. I really thought this month we had a good chance. Apparently not. To top it all off, hubby and I have been fighting like wet cats. All the time. Over fertility treatments. I want to continue he wants to take a break and make sure we don't go bankrupt.
I agree. How do I tell him that I don't want to waste a bunch of money (well no more than we already have) too? I just don't want to give up yet! There are so many more medications and procedures to try!
I think that maybe the root of my problem with this, the reason I am so crazy about it. I'm a control freak. I always have been. If I want something to happen I go out there and I make it happen. I do whatever it takes and make sure that I am the biggest, baddest, b*tch on the yard so that I can run the show. I can't do that with IF. I have zero control over this. I t ake my mediaction like I'm supposed to, I exercise, I don't smoke, I don't drink I have sex when I'm "fertile." Yet it doesn't happen. The control freak in me starts torun wild. I know that we did it this month, I did everything I was supposed to! Isn't there a system to this? I followed protocol WTH!!!
So, needless to say, hubby and I have come up with a compromise. We are increasing my clomid dose this month to 150mgs and doing an HCG trigger to induce ovulation. No opks, no charting, no guessing what days to ahve sex. If it doesn't work than we will start IUI in April of 2011. Which I learned the other day only gives you a 20% chance of pregnancy; which is what "normal" people with no fertility problems have every month. Really? Thats it? I guess it's worth trying, we've tried everythig else.
It all feels so final. I knew that hubs was done, I knew that I was acting  like a psycho on the clomid and we've just increased it. It just feels like if this doesn't work than I might have to give up on my dreams of a big family. Of a small family. Of a family with even 2 children.
New month, new hope. I pray that things work out the way I want them to for once. If not, I guess at least we have a plan.
On a happier note, I am done with Christmas shopping! Yay! My son got way more than I said I was gonna buy but meh, what are ya gonna do?
Stay strong fellow cysters, this isn't an easy journey but the end resuly will be worth it. Whether that be a baby or at least peace of mind that you've done all you can do.