Thursday, December 2, 2010

Damn the Digi: A Tale of HPT Desperation

As the title suggests my life as of the last week has been an exercise in madness. One that I excelled at I want to point out,
Convinced I was pregnant I have taken 15 "Internet cheapies," 2 Answers, 2 Clearblue Easy Digitals, and 2 First Response Early Response. Yes in a week. Feel free to commence judgement or begin calling my local psych ward as I obviously need to be committed.
Needless to say they were all negative. Most devastatingly and final were the digitals. The words "Not Pregnant" tear across that little bitty screen and into my fragile and bruised heart. It's like taking a bullet.
I have finally accepted (with the advent of some portentous spotting) that I am in fact not pregnant. This was my 9th, yes MY 9TH round of treatments. I'm incredibly frustrated to say the least.
We are doing things a little differently this cycle, 150mgs of clomid and an HCG trigger to induce ovulation along with "timed intercourse." If this doesn't work we are on hiatus until April or May of 2011 in which we will either have the lap surgery for my endo or we will try IUI.
I feel like there is too much pressure on this cycle. If it doesn't work I don't know if I can happily, or at least with peace of mind, not try for 3 or 4 months. It sounds a little ridiculous but the thing is....I've never not gotten something that I wanted and worked hard for. Never. I have no control over this and it's driving me mental. Welly and truly CRAZY!
That all being said this month is also the month that I will turn over a new leaf. No stress of OPKs, charting and guessing intercourse days should help with this.
1) I will not badger my husband about TTC. Or sex. Or tests. I'm going to try very hard to make this as enjoyable as possible for him this month and maybe he will put forth a good effort!
2) I will set and stick by an amount of time each day to "obsess." This means that for a half an hour a day I can scour the web for symptoms, looks at others' pee sticks and generally drive my self crazy. I will then turn off the computer and my mind and move on with my day.
3) I will stay busy enjoying the season with my family. In particular my son, who should not lose his mom because I have lost myself to TTC.
4) I will have a positive attitude about this cycle.
5) I will accept with as much dignity and gratefulness as possible if it doesn't work. We have tried for 2 years this month, 1 year and 10 rounds of fertility treatments. That is a good run and to do more right away might destroy my marriage and my body.
Basically, I am not to going to lose myself to this. I am and will be strong enough to beat it, whatever the outcome. Ideally that would be a new addition to the family, but if not: I tried.
This is a season to remember how much you love and appreciate the people and the things you have in your life. 2011 will be a better year for me by default; nothing can be harder or more heartbreaking than this year of sounding disappointments.
Time to move forward and stop looking back. Here's to a new life and a new cycle.

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