Friday, December 3, 2010

8 1/2 Years and He Still Surprises Me

Cycle 10 of fertility treatments officially began today. I am spotting and AF should be here right on time tomorrow. I've worked through my sadness and anger and feel ready to move on.
I had my first RE appointment in about 8 months. It went surprisingly well. We did an ultrasound and found that the clomid has not caused any cysts and my ovaries actually look a little better than they did when we started. My uterus was also in tip top shape and was not negatively affected by the treatments either. The RN and I went over the plan for this cycle with the trigger, DH's sperm count was found to be excellent as well. I was also informed today that there are still a few more options before IUI, injections like Follistim and Ovidrel along with the clomid and timed intercourse. We have a "very good chance" this cycle as my RN put it. I am cautiously hopeful and more than a little relieved.
Now, to my husband. He never ceases to amaze me. Just when I think we may have reached a true hurdle in our marriage that we might not be able to overcome without some serious work and possibly therapy; he turns it around.
As you know my dear bleeps (blog peeps hehe) my husband and I have been fighting like it's the end of the free world. I have complained bitterly of how he doesn't understand and is only concerned with the financial aspect of fertility treatments; that he bemoans his "duties" and blames IF for our recent marriage troubles. He has adamantly refused in fact to continue treatments past this cycle until the middle of next year at the earliest.
I went to the appointment with my mother, seeing as he wasn't exactly stoked to witness the pelvic ultrasound. I came home and said nothing. He asked how it went I replied "fine." He began to ask more questions, he was genuinely interested. He smiled and sounded excited at the prospect of different treatment options. He told me in fact that this was great news seeing as now we can continue to try.
What?! I know, I know, collect yourselves for a moment and then I shall continue.
My darling husband actually wants to do this with me and make a baby. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was skeptical. Confused. Maybe a little mad. Why have we been fighting? Why does he disagree at every turn?
We kiss and hug, he goes to work and I am left at home to ponder this fortuitous turn of events.
Then it dawns on me. We fight because this hurts. If I'm being completely honest, we also fight because I think I have forgotten that this is meant to be an expression of love between two people, a mutual desire to create life. I've turned it into an all consuming chore. I've lost myself and my connection to him somewhere in this tumultuous sea that is infertility.
I think I have found the shore again. I feel calmer, I feel saner. Most important I remember that I love my husband. That I want to have my husband's baby; not just a baby.
I can honestly say that I have never experienced a darker time in my young life. Never. Death is not the same, though I have been touched by that.
When I married him I said the words, repeated the vows. Not expecting that we would be tested like this. Never believing that something as important as children and our ability to cope with crisis would make me think of those vows in shame. I have failed. I have thought of only myself.
He has brought me back, not by thinking of his hurts, his failures, but by thinking of me. I cannot express how grateful, overwhelmed and loved he made me feel today.
This new and improved way of thinking is helping already. We are finding each other again. We are smiling and laughing and touching again. I love you Shawn. Thank you for helping me find myself when I didn't even realize I was so lost.
"For better or worse, richer or poorer, through sickness and health, until death do us part."

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