Wednesday, December 1, 2010

New Month, New Hope

Today is cd 28 for me, so I should be two days away from AF (aunt flow). All of my tests have been negatives. I think I'm out.
I'm ttoally devestated. I really thought this month we had a good chance. Apparently not. To top it all off, hubby and I have been fighting like wet cats. All the time. Over fertility treatments. I want to continue he wants to take a break and make sure we don't go bankrupt.
I agree. How do I tell him that I don't want to waste a bunch of money (well no more than we already have) too? I just don't want to give up yet! There are so many more medications and procedures to try!
I think that maybe the root of my problem with this, the reason I am so crazy about it. I'm a control freak. I always have been. If I want something to happen I go out there and I make it happen. I do whatever it takes and make sure that I am the biggest, baddest, b*tch on the yard so that I can run the show. I can't do that with IF. I have zero control over this. I t ake my mediaction like I'm supposed to, I exercise, I don't smoke, I don't drink I have sex when I'm "fertile." Yet it doesn't happen. The control freak in me starts torun wild. I know that we did it this month, I did everything I was supposed to! Isn't there a system to this? I followed protocol WTH!!!
So, needless to say, hubby and I have come up with a compromise. We are increasing my clomid dose this month to 150mgs and doing an HCG trigger to induce ovulation. No opks, no charting, no guessing what days to ahve sex. If it doesn't work than we will start IUI in April of 2011. Which I learned the other day only gives you a 20% chance of pregnancy; which is what "normal" people with no fertility problems have every month. Really? Thats it? I guess it's worth trying, we've tried everythig else.
It all feels so final. I knew that hubs was done, I knew that I was acting  like a psycho on the clomid and we've just increased it. It just feels like if this doesn't work than I might have to give up on my dreams of a big family. Of a small family. Of a family with even 2 children.
New month, new hope. I pray that things work out the way I want them to for once. If not, I guess at least we have a plan.
On a happier note, I am done with Christmas shopping! Yay! My son got way more than I said I was gonna buy but meh, what are ya gonna do?
Stay strong fellow cysters, this isn't an easy journey but the end resuly will be worth it. Whether that be a baby or at least peace of mind that you've done all you can do.

No comments:

Post a Comment