Thursday, November 18, 2010

An Exercise in Futility

As I have previously posted I am a notorious repeater. So much so in fact this cycle I completely ran out of OPKs and had to go buy more. Not. A. Positive. In. Sight. UGH! I'm so frustrated. I honestly believe that temping and going on that damn TWW site make it worse for me. I haven't done this in months.
The worst part is that I know, because I want it so bad, it won't happen. It just won't. I've done all the right things this cycle; even if I ovulate tomorrow instead of yesterday. Yet I know that it just won't work.
I'm mad, and hurting and just feel icky and I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to pull myself out of this depression. It's been a hard day. My son practically destroyed the whole house. I mean that in all seriousness. He broke: a picture frame, the entertainment center drawer, his curtain rod; he unrolled all the toilet paper, wouldn't nap and has generally just been difficult today. I think the actual walls might be next.
I realize that I need to "stop trying." I know that the stress at this point is as bad, if not worse, than the PCOS. I need to find an outlet for all of this and I'm hoping this blog will help. If not...maybe I need to abandon the whole damn thing. Give up.
On a better husband is moving right along in the process of becoming a sheriff! Well, deputy sheriff. All he has left to do is the psych eval which happens on Monday! He passed his drug/physical test this morning. This is truly a blessing. He got hired on w/CDOC in Sept. of 2009 and he has been commuting 4 hours a day everyday. He's never home, always tired, and to top it off it's a super stressful job. If he gets the job with the sheriff's dept. he will cut his commute down to maybe an hour a day and will have 4 on 4 off. Better benefits as well. He deserves it. He tested and applied almost a year ago and we heard nothing for MONTHS! I'm so proud of him. The poor, wonderful man, he's even kept up with my demanding "performance" schedule. Bless him. he is truly a saint. :)
I want to end this on a good note...out with the bad in with the good. I'm so thankful for my family, in particular my son and my husband. I'm also immensely glad for a certain friend, Kroda, that helps me get through all my insane, clomid and pee stick induced hysteria; on basically a daily basis. Thanks for being there.
I've decided to deviate a bit from the infertility laden posts and try and focus on other things. So, in addition to some cut-back rantings about my busted plumbing, I'm going to make a true effort to make my life about something OTHER than this miserable existence I know call life.
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." ~ Dr. Seuss

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