Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Updates and Heartbreaks

Well, needless to say, I'm not pregnant. I'm on cd 4 actually. I haven't posted because I've been wallowing in my barrenness. Sometimes you just need to feel it, every heart-wrenching moment to move forward. Which is what we are doing. We are on our first officially break since starting to try two years ago. After 10 straight months of fertility treatments, drugs, HPTs, OPKs and ultrasounds my life kind of feels pleasantly empty.

We have decided to go ahead with IUI in February. Since I only produced 1 egg on the mega dose of clomid, we would have been adding follistim on top of the clomid, and trigger so it made sense to have the added benefit of the insemination as well. I'm actually starting to get excited.

The hubby and I had a major, major fight about a week ago. We actually considered the D word. A big part, although not all, is the infertility. He felt unheard and pushed aside; like all of my focus and drive was based on getting pregnant. He was right. I of course did not come to this conclusion w/o first getting super angry, and then hurt, and eventually compliant. I didn't take a break for me, I did it for my husband. I am beginning to realize, however, that I needed it more than he did.

For the first time in almost a year I truly feel relaxed, I am embracing the "if it happens it happens" attitude this month. Now, don't get me wrong I can't wait to do IUI next month, but I'm much more content than I thought  I would be. I imagined the days creeping by, every one an experiment in mental torture...but they're not.

I was totally devastated this last cycle, finding out it didn't happen. Again. I really though that increasing the clomid and using the HCG trigger was gonna be the magic cocktail that did the trick. I was truly surprised when it wasn't. I cried a lot this time. I railed and screamed at God, my husband, my mother and my body. My family embraced me and held me in warmth and love, my body and God remained cold and distant.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that Cian may be my only child. Is it fair? No. Is it what we had planned? No. Is my life lacking because I don't have another child? Yes, a little. Is it my fault my body won't work properly? No. Am I incredibly lucky to have a husband that loves me and a beautiful son? Yes, a thousand times yes! With how nice and mellow this cycle has been, I'm starting to look forward to the end of fertility treatments, whether that be with a positive test, or just realizing that enough is enough.

My brother and sister-in-law were also in a tragic car accident on Sunday night. Driving home from work they were hit head on by a drunk driver! Both sustained injuries, my sister was kept in the hospital for almost two days due to a broken sternum, broken rib, broken finger, a laceration/contusion on her knee and multiple bruising. My poor brother fared a little better with a broken wrist, and multiple contusions and bruising. It is truly a miracle that they are alive and it's due to wearing their seat belts. Had they not been they would both be dead. They are not only beloved family to me but wonderful parents to my 3 year old niece Isis. I just wanted to take a moment to recognize the miracle that is their lives and thank God for holding them in his hands and keeping them safe. If that was my family's one miracle for the year I would gladly take that over getting pregnant! I love you guys and am so glad that you are OK! Heal quickly and as painlessly as possible!

Just for some perspective this is their car!

On the a happy note....we are getting a new puppy! We currently own a wonderful, sweet, loving 5 year old Saint Bernard named Ares. We are getting another little boy Saint Bernard who is eight weeks old on Thursday! The puppy definitely helps with the baby fever, no doubt. My mother and grandmother received a little girl they named Athena for Christmas this year, and both Cian and Ares adore her and her big brother Hercules (yes we have a Greek name theme going on, my Aunt, who has 3 and started this trend named hers Aphrodite, Apollo, and Achilles). So, it was only natural that we get a puppy too. For the boy of course. *wink wink* We plan to name him Adonis and are so excited!

                                            Here he is!!!
I promise to write more often, I am done wallowing in my own despair. The wound is beginning to close and even though it still hurts, it's not as painful as it used to be. We are moving forward with a new treatment plan, a new puppy and happier times to be had.
Happy Belated New Year!

1 comment:

  1. First off, I am so happy to hear that your brother and sister-in-law are okay! That is some scary stuff and by the looks of their's amazing they survived!

    The puppy is adorable (love the Greek theme!) and I don't doubt that he will keep you very busy during your month break.

    About the break: We took one in December and I thought it would drag and be awful. It was great and I survived just fine. The last few days leading up to AF were a bit long, but all in all, a month well spent reconnecting with my hubby and even giving the boys a little extra love and attention. I'm sorry you had a fight with your hubby. IF is difficult and it affects us as women differently than it does our husbands, but it does affect them, too. Josh and I have promised to be more open and communicate our feelings more as we go forward into this journey.

    Can't wait to hear about everything come February. Enjoy your break!